You had not a care in the world. You were sleeping soundly in your fostermom's arms with only your face peeking out. In moments, Julio arrived and we all found our way back into the hotel lobby. We all chatted for several minutes but I don't remember any of it. I just remember your sleeping face. I remember turning to your father saying how beautiful and perfect you were and I commented on your adorable little sneakers, but that is it. When Lettie placed you in my arms, everything became clear to me. We were meant to be your parents. Period. Sure, you happen to be born a thousand miles away but by some great miracle we found each other and that was all that really mattered.
I can say so much about those first moments. All incredibly mushy and sappy things that you probably won't appreciate until you have your own children. (So go ahead and roll your eyes now but one day you will understand.) It was the single most life-changing moment of my life. It was the happiest moment of my life. Colors around me became more brilliant. For the weekend I reveled in the joys of motherhood. The Marriott became my own personal paradise. I became mama-bear with her cub. I felt confident if a situation required me to become stronger, faster or smarter to keep you safe, I could. Easily and effortlessly. I have a picture of our first moments together. It is my favorite picture. Sure, you can say I look tired and my hair and makeup isn't flattering but I see something different. I see a woman that just fell madly and wildly in love with her new baby boy.
Julio suggested we go up to the hotel room to get settled in. I remember asking your father, how will we ever leave without you. It was our biggest source of stress. We were still in the first phases of the adoption process, we did not have a clue how many more months we would have to wait. Usually parents only visit once before they pick up their child. We made a vow to continue to return to Guatemala each month until you were home. I carried you upstairs and we sat on the bed. Lettie gave us instructions on your schedule and feedings. You finally woke up from your nap. I sat you up on my lap and you very calmly checked out your new surroundings. You were very interested in your father. We were surprised because sometimes babies are afraid of men that have beards. You seemed very comfortable with all of us. Soon Julio and Lettie left and we had you all to ourselves.
The entire weekend was documented with photos and video. It was a weekend of 'firsts.' First baths, first bottle, first diaper change, first meal with a baby, first burping, first bedtime. Then it was time for our first goodbye. Logically, I knew it would be difficult leaving you but I had no idea how physically and emotionally painful it would be. Instinctively, it felt wrong and un-natural to be leaving without you. We cried and said our goodbyes. We cried some more. We wandered through the airport like zombies. We sat in cold silence while we waited to board the plane. We watched your video all the way home and cried again. We reminded ourselves how grateful we were that Lettie and her family were taking care of you. We missed you terribly and quickly planned another trip to Guatemala the following month.
In our first email to family and friends from Guatemala, I wrote that I felt like the sky opened up and rainbows fell on my head. It sounds so silly yet its true. Rainbows bring happiness. Go ahead and roll your eyes again..But thanks to you my dear son, rainbows have been falling ever since!
