We eagerly embraced our roles as new parents and for us, there is nothing but joy, celebration and relief. Everyday is filled with explosive love for our boy. The pain, anxiety and fear that accompanied us every day for the past 6+ months has been washed away when we were finally re-united with him.
Despite the awe-inspiring happiness we felt, we did not have to look far to find grief and heartbreak. Undeniable and unavoidable heartbreak. Our son will be taken away from everything he finds familiar and safe. Before researching all the necessary adoption parenting topics (i.e. attachment, development, adoption related grief and loss), I would of assumed if babies were too young to remember the trauma, then it would have little to no effect on them. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Just because a baby will not be able to recall the events does not mean he will not be affected by the trauma and loss.
Even the expert advice on transition seems quite inadequate for a baby that will be removed from everything familiar. Every new experience with his new family, will be strange to him. He will look around searching for a familiar face that will not be there. We will smell different. We will feel different. His food and formula will taste different. We will hold him differently. Our voices will not soothe him as he will not recognize the language, the lullabies or the voices. We will bring him home to a different climate and timezone. Everything safe and familiar in his world, will be virtually gone. His heart will break. He will feel loss and despair. We can do nothing but hold him, reassure him and love him through his pain.
We learned babies will grieve differently. Some are loud and cry inconsolably. Some are depressed and despondent. Some exhibit only subtle clues that may only be obvious in retrospect or to those closest to him. We watched Tristan closely.
To the world, our beautiful baby appeared un-phased by the enormous change thrust upon him. He did not cry or fuss inappropriately. He was considered an ‘easy’ baby. We did our best to keep Tristan in a stress-free nurturing loving environment and he indeed did, very well. But to suggest he was unscathed by his losses would be discounting the first 6 ½ months of his life. We watched as he quietly tried to make sense of this new unfamiliar world. He experienced bouts of night terrors and nightmares. We had to work hard for his smiles. He didn't laugh out loud or squeal for a good solid month or more. It was expected and healthy for him to do this. He was greatly attached to his foster family and they loved him deeply without limits. This gave Tristan the foundation every baby must have.
The foster mom cared for him as she did her own children. She had 4 beautiful children and a husband who doted on Tristan. When we picked up Tristan, taking him from her arms one last time was very difficult. She was strong and full of amazing courage and grace. It was always upsetting to me when people try to downplay the pain and grief the foster mothers experience when the adoption is complete. To our son, she was the center of his world for most of his life and now she would be gone. Of course this transition was unavoidable, but it was still difficult to find peace in it.
The foster mom sent us home with a beautiful journal that each member of her family wrote pages in. They each spoke of their time with Tristan and how he will always be a part of their family. What a priceless gift my son will have when he is older. I often wonder if she has any idea how grateful we are for what she does. Hopefully we will have the opportunity to meet with the family again when we travel back to Guatemala.
