Despite my pathetic failures yesterday, I woke up feeling oddly hopeful. The battle is not lost yet. I have one more ritual that may correct my wrong doings- the fleet enema! That one was not a big deal at all. Happily my headache had subsided but I was still dehydrated and so hungry I could of chewed off the sneakers on my feet.
The time is here. We drive to the office where after a short wait I am called to the admitting area by Agnus the nurse. She does her little interview my about pre-existing medical , allergies etc. She sends me to bed 2 and calls me 'Conchetta'. (internal panic button is pushed- she called me the wrong name). I am sent to get changed in the dressing room. When I emerge she points me to bed 3 (bed 3? AS IN THREE, what happened to two, she must be confusing me with someone else) You hear about these stories all the time.... how someone goes into the hospital to get their appendix out and they wake up without a lung or leg. So I said, "bed 3??? are you sure??? you said bed 2 before?" she casually waves me to bed 3. Oh Agnus why so vague. So I climb into bed and she starts taking my blood pressure, annoying me with ignorant chit-chat ( another story for another post)but I just can't let it go, I nervously stammer
"you know who I am, right.... Connie...you called me Conchetta and I think there is someone else here named Conchetta.. ..I just don't want you to confuse me with someone else". Agnus just nods and smiles happily writing in the chart and continues on her business. I tell myself to calm down because realistically the only procedure they are even doing in this room is a colonoscopy - duh we are not even in a hospital but a gastro outpatient office. So for the love of christ relax already. But still. I watch ER, things go wrong, people have DNR's signed and that Conchetta woman was older. You never know.
Agnus is done screwing with my head and departs. A new visitor arrives. It is the doctor who will be injecting that sweet sleepy juice into my veins. "Good morning" I say, trying to be extra charming and likeable. You just want to keep it all good between you and sleepy juice man. I boldly state that I don't care what they do to me as long as I am sleeping for it. As he walks away I wonder if that was the wrong choice of words. But because I am ass, I repeat the same thing to my gastro Dr when he stops by the bed to ask me how things are. Perhaps I should stop propositioning all medical staff with dorkweed comments like 'do as you please as long as I am asleep.' Sometimes I just sicken myself.
Its my turn, they wheel me into this large room under a big tv. I really am trying hard to be calm, but I am worried about the botched prep day. My mind keeps imagining the scene when the Doctor inserts the tube, turns on camara and they all stare in horror at the tv which displays the calcified sess pool inside my colon. Too late to turn back now.
All staff is in place, the doc on my left stands there armed with the large needle of sleepy juice, he says relax and I throw in one more remark about being asleep. His response: 'Oh you will be pleasantly survived..he stammers ...I mean pleasantly SURPRISED, pleasantly SURPRISED! I laugh but my brain turns to pudding -No I heard you- you said survived as if 'she was pleasantly survived by husband and son.' He nervously laughs how that was such a poor slip and then remarks how my heart rate is really up there. Ya think? I am stunned silent (finally).
The doctor tells me to lay on my left side and they will see me in a little while. Then as the doctor squeezes the syringe he softly says it may burn when the meds go in but only for a few seconds. I prepare for the burn. I wait. I wait. I wait. No burning. Panic mode again -why no burning -why no burning -oh no, the iv is not in or its a bad batch of sleepy juice!. I blurt out, "Its not burning!!" He said calmly, "thats ok, sometimes it doesn't" ...aaahhhh sleep.
I wake up in recovery feeling good. They told me I would have pain in my stomach from the air they pump into your colon but I don't, I feel great. The doctor quickly appears and tells me everything is ok, I just have a hemmoroid on the inside. I'll take it! I am elated! I change into my clothes and reunite with husband and son. I hop into the car to find husband had 2 hot slices of my favorite pizza waiting for me. Awesome....dear husband, you rule my world! Never enjoyed pizza more.
I think for my next procedure or test I will request to be anestisized upon arrival. Just shoot me up in the waiting room and lets avoid all the drama. And thanks to the evil liquid, I can no longer look at ginger ale, orange jello, white grape juice or the glass I used that day.
