There are so many emotionally charged topics floating around in my brain, I really don't know where to put everything.
I have been thinking alot about how Tristan is not yet aware of what being adopted means. He knows he is adopted, but at his age it is just information, like his street address. It carries no burden for him, yet. He bounces through each day blissfully unaware of the loss and trauma that brought him to us today. So unaware of the occasional offending question or stares that goes with the territory of being an interracial family. Unaware of the darting eyes of fellow restaurant patrons trying to figure out which one Tristan looks like as we take our seat at a restaurant. Unaware that he will have some huge issues to resolve that may cause him pain, grief and heartbreak. Unaware that his birth country has been recently reported as a 'baby farm for rich Americans.' Unaware that people will be hostile to him just because he is 'not white.' Unaware that other children may tease him because I am not his 'real' mother. He will likely grieve for his birth family again, consciously this time. He will have those unanswered questions lurking in his mind, 'Why didn't she keep me?', 'Who do I look like?', 'Where are they now?'. My heart sinks at the thought of it all. The biggest mistake I can possibly make is to not acknowledge that some or all of these things will happen. It will happen. To deny or pretend otherwise would be a tragic mistake for my children. Its never a comfortable thought, thinking your children may be in any kind of pain. We must resolve to prepare them in dealing with anything that is thrown their way. We must accept that our love can not fill every empty space that adoption has left in his heart. We must accept our son has his own piece of history that does not include us. We will accept that he has another mother and father in the world that he will think about, wonder about and even worry about. We must acknowledge and accept that he will have some tough unique issues to grabble as he makes his way through life. We must create a safe haven at home where communication and support is aplenty so even the ugly icky feelings that may make us uncomfortable be expressed without consequence.
Many adult adoptees share that they were made to feel ungrateful or were reluctant to share their pain in fear of hurting their parents feelings. After all, the love of the adoptive family should be enough for them to get over not being raised by their birth family, no? No. The adoption practices of last generation need to die a quick death. Transcultural adult adoptees are now speaking of their experiences and we, for the sake of our children, better listen carefully to what they graciously share on the subject. No matter how sad or uncomfortable it makes us feel, we must listen. Because who really can better shed light on what its like for an adopted child from another country, than one who has actually lived through it.
